Memorial Day Weekend

Friday I headed off for a "Alone Trip" to Seattle to complete Erin's wedding invitations. Jeff, Carter and Camden made the 7 hour drive to Vegas to see "the Vegas Grandma and Papa" as Carter would say.

It appears they had heaps of fun, starting with a shopping trip with Grandma in which Carter wore his goggles and then proceeded to leave them on the rest of the day.

Cam played lots of baseball I'm told. Which is no surprise.

They got stories from Great Grandma

ready for Sunday morning meeting.

All tuckered out.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall......

Some days are better than others, today is not one of those days.

I aim to be a modest person. In appearance and attitude. Today I am failing.

Modesty can be described as:

n.

1. The state or quality of being modest.
2. Reserve or propriety in speech, dress, or behavior.
3. Lack of pretentiousness; simplicity.

Some of you are laughing at the thought, Renee modest? Ha. Some of you are laughing at the thought for opposite reasons. Does the word homely come to mind? Well I admit it's a struggle. Why should it even be a concern? The world is full of excess and want in every degree. Everything is available and mostly accepted. In fact, the desire to be modest is scrutinized more than the desire to cave to every lust imaginable. My point or thought comes from a recent encounter at the park, when another mother made the comment that she "also no longer has time to do her hair, make-up, paint her nails, etc" AND the ridiculous part is that I WAS ready. My hair was done, I was dressed.... this is HOW I LOOK. My appearance is not a result of laziness or "motherhood". So why not participate? Why not yield to the world and it's every whim and woe? Spiritually speaking I believe that God wants us to separate ourselves from the world and its excess. That modesty, humility, and meekness are valuable qualities not social inadequacies. This in no way means I have a perfect vision of what to or not to participate in. It also means what I do or do not shouldn't be the example for you to follow. I am not the pattern and most will know what I mean by that.

With the above laid out plainly, I will admit that I am struggling to find contentment in a wild world. My clothes aren't fitting in the upper region of my body, not just since kids, but always. Well, there's a relatively quick fix to that. 1-2 hours under the knife, 4-8 weeks of recovery and walla! a new body. I'm getting gray hair, sun spots and cellulite, Walla! there are fixes for every "problem." But the more time I spend thinking about how to "upgrade" my appearance, the further I am stray from my goal of modesty and contentment. It's not necessarily the act of sprucing myself up, it's not my hair, the dye or cut, the make up or not, the surgery, the need for a gym for more than health reasons, that I am struggling with. It's the comparison to the world, the desire to alter myself to stay mainstream, the need to "fit" in that is most complexing. A verse from 1 Peter 2:9 has been convicting this week: But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.

Peculiar is defined as:

1. Distinct from all others.

2. Belonging distinctively or primarily to one person, group, or kind; special or unique

So I have felt like I want to fit in, but shouldn't. Now I need to feel like it's a blessing not to. I need to be peculiar. I need to be different in this world. To some this will make no sense at all, analyze it as you must. For me, It is a way to journal my life. It is also a way to hold myself accountable for what I claim to believe. A sort of balance and check to look back on and hopefully see victories in the future.

More Graduation

Frozen

Jeff told me that during his preschool graduation he ran away and hid and no one could find him. That's how nervous he was, I say Carter was taking after his father today with the shy and nervous thing. But at least he didn't run off the stage.

Graduation

Today was a big day.

Carter graduated from his 3yr old preschool class.

Walking into the chapel for the "ceremony"

Standing while they sang, except Carter was so nervous he just looked at the ground.

His class.

Mrs. Teresa and Mrs. Sharon

I graduated? Yes!

Saturday at the Zoo

Riding the Train.

This is the boys' "We are too cool to smile" picture.

Carter obliges, Cam refuses.

Ridin' 'Round

A week or so ago, Cam and I were in the backyard. He was sitting on his little red bike as he often uses it as a seat rather than pedaling on it like I hoped he would do when I bought it. So there the little red bike sits day after day, sad from it's unused pedals. Anyhow, I had my back turned and he said, "Hey You! Look at me!" I turned around and he was pedaling all by himself! Prior to this he has had no interest in learning to ride a bike, in fact when we go on walks and Carter rides, he pushes this noisy toy lawnmower. Well, those days are over. Both boys are cycling fools.

I just like this one because I can see the reflection of Jeff, Carter and I in Cam's helmet.

I asked Cam what he was doing, to which he replied....."Not pedaling."

Love this kid. Seriously.

Again?!

Yep, the Flu found it's way into our home again. Monday we went to check out books at the library. We came home with the flu. Carter was hit first.

I carried him around all day like a kangaroo. He just wanted to be held. I had to make lunch for Cam and set Carter on the counter. He said it felt so good he had to stretch out. Must have been cool on his fever, Then I got him down and promptly disinfected my counter.

Sadly, Cam and I got our fix of the flu on Wednesday night. No photos of that Thank Heaven! But it was UGLY AND BAD AND GONE 12 hours later. So we are all well now. Until next time....

The Serious Train Engineer

The weekend and the new camera

So the camera Jeff got me for Mother's Day last year broke. It was under warranty so I got a new one for this Mother's Day, it's a way better camera and didn't cost us a thing. Well, except if you consider that while researching said new camera, Jeff decided (in addition to mine) another "more professional" camera would be cool too.

So my free camera will cost a "more professional" rate now I'm sure.

For now I am trying out all the effects on mine....

Color selection.

A day at the ballpark.

Action shots....

By the way, Camden is saying "I didn't do it!"

I love that Carter is really envisioning where he wants the ball to go and

Camden is thinking, Just hit it already!

Mother's Day 2010

Last 2 weeks in review

Ok, so this 1st photo is actually 3 weeks old, but this was my anniversary present from Jeffy. Chairs and bench are on the way. Now I can actually set 6-10 people at my table for dinner, as opposed to putting everyone at different card tables.

A trip to Casa Grande convention brought the realization that the convention grounds are actually located on Carter Lane. Carter is giving his name a high five!

Look at Carter's legs. So dirty! He decided crawling around on the garage floor with his cars was fun. I decided it was ok to put him in the bath immediately after.

Cam's coloring hands. His markers are washable..... oh wait, that's right he got into my SHARPIE collection. It took 4 days for this to come off! Good thing he didn't draw on his face.

Jeff's birthday. We had Jason & Donna and their 4 kids, Bill and Sara and their twins, and the four of us for dinner and cake.

Loving the birthday boy, or maybe he was comforting him. You know, he is getting rather old!

Carter looks just like Jeff here to me. Like a mini Jeff, hopefully he will be this handsome when he is his father's age.......ok, no more "old jokes" I will be there shortly.

Thursday's trip to the zoo.

Carter is getting so tall.

But not this tall.

Friday night digging in the back yard. Serious business deals going on, no girls allowed.

I'm Just a Mom

Today while out at the Zoo, we sat for lunch next to an elderly couple. Since the boys have this incredible knack for drawing people in, a conversation was sparked. Somewhere in it, the man asked, "So is this a day off for you or do you just stay home?" Being that I don't verbally assault the elderly, I just smiled and said, "Yep, I just stay home." I pondered whether he really thought I just sit at home eating bon bons and watching Oprah, tripping it to the Zoo and spending my husband's hard earned money.

And then his sweet, ever so beautiful wife said in her frail voice, "Well, my dear, that's just the way it should be if it's possible. Being a Mom is something special and not to be treated lightly." It doesn't take much to make me feel validated and important these days. And as we packed up, she tucked her wings back in and her halo sparkled a couple inches from her silky white hair and she winked and said, "Looks like your doing more than alright. Keep it up."

With this in mind and Mother's Day right around the corner, I find my mind wandering to my own personal journey to and through Motherhood. I find myself feeling less and less important as I do the most important job. I realize I do a lot, this is not a pity party or case of sorryformyselfitis but it never feels like enough. It is not in me to "just stay at home" it never has been. I know this was the "plan" for some people. I truly didn't put a lot of thought into not earning a paycheck. I knew I wanted to stay home but I didn't know it would mean I would feel like I wasn't contributing. I started working when I was 14, and babysitting before that. It is something ingrained in me. My Mom worked very hard to provide for us, she sacrificed just so we could have Taco Bell on Friday night and black Vans shoes that we had our hearts set on. More than that, she put our needs before her own. She also made the best choices for us when they were probably a sacrifice to her. I know it was not easy for her to work all the time, to come home and do it all alone when we were little. I can't really compare myself to that but I know why I feel a deep need to be productive and go go go to stay afloat, it's in me. It's not easy for me NOT to have a job outside this house. It's no fault of the boys, they are great kids. I have fun with them everyday, I feel lucky that Jeff provides for us even in this hard economy when some are not so fortunate, but I feel a deep need to do more. To get a pat on the back, Job well done, and a big fat paycheck for my time.

My heart sinks in guiltiness for these thoughts when I know there are others who are struggling to have children. An all consuming desire to have a baby and whether it happens through adoption or in vitro or all on it's own, the desire to be a Mother can be intense. I have been there, which is why I feel guiltiness for even entertaining the thought of working outside these walls. It's not that I don't WANT to be with my kids, which is why it's hard to explain. I want to be with them but I also want to be validated. I mean let's get serious, we all do need some sort of that.

And then a 90lb, wispy haired angel ever so gently reminds me that since we are able at this time (financially speaking) to do so, that "just staying home" is where I need to be. And that I'm doing "more than alright." I think about the struggle to have the boys. I think about the babies miscarried, a D&C that Jeff couldn't be with me at, tears over "when and why", weight gained and lost, hours spent kneeling both in prayer and over a toilet bowl in the heaving of "all day" sickness. Daily injections to my swollen belly, pills to pop and hormones to fight. Baby blues as I went through hormonal withdrawals. Eyes glaring at me with that "she's gone crazy" look. I remember hearing, "It might take awhile to get pregnant again" and very shortly thereafter on Superbowl Sunday 2007 realizing we were pregnant again. I was scared. Carter was 6 months old at this point. I was already failing and it had only been 6 months. It's been work, tears and a lot of uncertainty on this road to becoming a family. But it's also been rewarding and full of joy that can not be put into words.

They giggle, Cam knows his entire alphabet, both are potty trained, they are well fed, well clothed. I do this. They sing, they dance, they pretend play, they love. I encourage this. Today I got more than a pat on the back and a job well done. I got an invisible hug from a sweet old lady and assurance that I'm doing more than alright.

On the way home I looked in the rear view mirror as Carter and Camden sang "Wheels on the Bus" at the top of their lungs. I heard a faint cha ching! as I realized they are the largest paycheck I have ever earned and I want to be more thankful for the opportunity I was given to be a Mom and "just stay at home".

Random things heard around our house during March, April and May:

"Mom, is the Easter Bunny gonna put eggs under our pillow?" No Carter, the Tooth fairy puts stuff under your pillow. The Bunny hides eggs. Carter - "Does the Easter bunny steal eggs from the Easter Chicken"

He's really confused.....

Camden's quote of the day...Mom, what Letter is this?" Me: You know that letter. Cam: Q. Me: Yep. Cam: But why does it sound like "U" and look like "O" if it's a "Q"?

I just found a die cast Lightning McQueen car in my pillowcase. I think it was like Camden's equivalent to a hotel putting a piece of chocolate on your pillow during turn down service.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love that man anymore, I arrive home to a new Crate and Barrel dining set. Swoon.

"Camden what's your whole name?" Camden - "Camden Brown Shepherd" Me - "Good Job" Camden whining - "But I wanted to be Camden Orange Shepherd!" - So sorry.